Crisis, Faith, Death

So far the month of February we have seen 2 devastating earthquakes,  and waited for a Tsunami...  I was at the restaurant last night when I saw a man talking to whom I believe was his son.  They had written on the table crisis, faith, death...  We all have crisis from personal to universal.   The world is in crisis now with the wars and natural disasters...  My prayers have been going out to all these people at night.  When I compare my own little crisis of the heart I feel selfish and indulgent,  nonetheless these are  my feelings and I must heal from my broken heart.  My theory started on crisis because when my relationship feel apart I went into crisis mode JAJA a lot of good that did only bad decision after bad decision.  But now I am in faith,  I grew up Catholic and I still follow a lot of the holiday tendencies that my parents shared with me as a child.  Lent happened right after the last time I was intimate with JG,  this was a bad decision even though at the time it felt great,  the out come was detrimental both physically and emotionally.

So I was wondering what to give up for lent,  JG, & just going out on dates with men who want to be with me...  That was my choice.  Since I have been single they come out of nowhere,  at first it was flattering to feel desired,  but now it's just confusing and I have this tendency of comparing everyone to JG.  NOT good!  So for Lent I have given up social outings with Men.  Hoping that this will help me find clarity in myself.  But as I do this I have been feeling, that I should go further.  So I have taken a vow of Celibacy,  for 3 months to start.  I need to re-establish my self worth!  And the last time I was intimate was amazing especially if you love the person,  but if it turns out to have been a joke,  the emotion spiral is very painful.  So I have realized I need to do this!  I need to find myself all by myself.

I have been sexual since I was a teen, and looking back at my track record I have never been alone since.   Jumping, from one relationship to the next, with only a few months in between.  I am open to sexuality and understand the brain aspects of getting off,  so why be intimate with emotionally detrimental results?  I am 32 and by now I should know better!  My goal is one year starting Feb7/2010.  Let's see how far I go...  In my mind there is only one person who can change that.  Me! It will all come down to respect and worthiness!  So 3 months at a time...

Which brings me to the last word written on the chalk table - Death,  it's inevitable,  so let's make a difference!  I feel mortal and I want to leave a mark, a good memory, a good life.