I woke up this morning to a very upsetting message from one of my performance partners.... he found a lesbian porn I participated in many many years ago... and proceeded to send me an unhappy face :( I must say I have been in NYC for 13 years in those years I have mostly been finding myself. Yes I am a person with a strong sexual vibration. I have explored the world of S&M I have explored bisexuality... I continue to like women, yet I desire a relationship with a man! Is he out there? One that can handle to date a woman who is open minded yet conservative? You men say you want a wife and whore at the same time... but when you meet that person you are afraid.... more to continue I have a lot to say today. Love and Lust are 2 different issues! I don't confuse them... when you say you "want me" what exactly do you want? Is this want based on respect for the human being you are attracted to or is it just the animal nature in the male side of Human beings that has to pee on everything it wants to show ownership of some sort? Using words to confuse the brain when your actions continue to prove to me it's NOT LOVE IT"S DESIRE!
A man friend once said to me "you are the type of woman that men can not date..." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!!!! Yet this individual proceeds to pursue a romantic relationship with me, that has only lead to DRAMA bc guess what, he was right!!! I am the type of woman that HE CAN NOT DATE! Searching for things in my past THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WHO I AM NOW AT 33 OR THE WAY I LIVE MY LIFE NOW. When people search for excusses they will find them! I'm proud of who I am TODAY! I am proud of my past however difficult and explorative it has been, I am PROUD of my experiences good and bad! BC they make me who I am today! I am especially Proud of what I am doing in the present to continue learning and growing for the future. If your not with me, MOVE THE F@$^#@!% OUT OF MY WAY.
LIVE LOVE LAUGH! Now that I have written a rant, I will go back to my Mantra, time for some self LOVE!
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4 comments:
im listening
im listening...speak your mind
well there is a lot of complicated stuff there, much of it personal. there is who you are and who he is and how you both have to give a little to make things work to make things grow. you have to take responsiblity for your own actions as well, and not create some sort of infallibility out of low self esteem that transforms into arrogance. im not saying you the culprit or him maybe you both chase each other because you dont really want each other, and the impossibility puts you both into a comfort of not having to deal with other issues.
My sweet Lili,
Once upon a time someone who's opinion mattered to me told me "Never explain yourself: your friends already know who you are and your enemies won't listen anyway" - I truly agree with this statement. You are a sexual creature and a very passionate woman, especially about your craft. Acting, Painting, Performance Art, Modeling- all of these things are your strengths and if someone judges you upon youthful expressions, especially exploratory sexual ones, then they have no idea who you were/are/and are becoming. We are all a work in progress. No Exceptions. You can choose to be unwilling to evolve or put your chin up and say that exploring who you are leads to self-knowledge and, therefor, evolution/transformation. And wait, arn't you the Goddess of that?! Yes, my beautiful friend, keep your chin up, know who you are, be fierce, and the rest will fall away.... Love you.
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